Karen

Dear Karen,

I’m sorry I wasn’t a better friend. I’m sorry I was so wrapped up in my own life that I didn’t see the pain you were really in.  I knew life was bad for you, I knew your boyfriend was beating you, I knew you missed your children, and I knew your health was less than well.  But I didn’t know you were treading that line, that edge between life and death. I’m sorry I didn’t see it. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to talk to you, and be the friend that you so desperately needed.

Yes, we were close, but not as close as we could have been. I shut my heart down to so many people, but if I’d known you needed in so badly, I’d have opened it up to your grief, wrapped you in loving arms and held you until I was sure you’d stand on your own feet again.

I came to work after a long weekend, and was pulled aside before I had a chance to log in.  My boss asked me if I’d heard, and moments later I was given the news.  I was in shock at first, and then when the shock wore down I was a puddle of tears and sobbing mess of emotions.  My heart and head was swimming in grief and fear.  You didn’t say goodbye to your son or your daughter, you didn’t call and reach out for help. You swallowed those pills, chased them with whiskey, and went to sleep. Went to sleep and never woke back up and my heart wept for you, for your children, for your family.

Your death was the beginning of my downward spiral last year.  It was the ignitor to my depression, something I’d never experienced before, feelings I’d never had in my entire life.  I was frightened of everything. I was scared to get in my car, I was scared to drive, I was scared to walk up the stairs or to get in the elevator, I was scared to breath or to let my children out of my sight…I even…made a will.

I am ashamed to say, that your death had a much more profound affect on me than your life.  I am ashamed to say, that I mourned part of myself when you died, and that most of my tears were out of fear, and not so much out of pity.  I’ve kept your picture on my desk since your memorial. I miss your smile.